Today, i can officially say I'm getting married next month even though it is still 8 weeks from now. This post is my avenue to mainly rant about things even though i can not change the majority of them.
my mum returned from Naija with our traditional clothes.
do i like it? i don't know
do i dislike it? i still dont know.
i think i'm a little disappointing in the colour cos i'm not getting to wear bright colors (i love bright colors). In case, you are wondering, its light blue and dark blue and yes, we choose them.
All the same, this does not stop me being disappointing.
We will not be changing for the after party on Saturday....
i am not looking forward to being in that dress all day. (in Naija's temp)
Lanre Teriba is playing at the reception and despite all my effort, i have not been able to bring myself to love his music. I like dancing and i fear that we will not be in synch.
My monthly visitors are predicted to start on the wedding day and going by history, they have been quite consistent on the start day!@$$%%!! what do you suggest it is about this since i usually have mood swings during this period...
BS thinks i'm not carrying him along as much (i'm trying to correct this bit)
I think i am taking on a more non nonchalant attitude towards the wedding cos many of the things i want, i did not get.
I cant wait for the wedding to be over for many reasons!!!
this seems a bit one sided so i'm going to also 'scream' about the things i love about the wedding
i love BS and can't wait to share forever with him
i love my dress
i love my bouquet (i made them myself after ordering single silk roses and other accessories.
i like the venus
i have great inlaws
it gives me something to look forward to
i have the greatest wedding planners ever.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Thursday, 27 August 2009
many many things happening
first thing.
we have been doing marriage counseling for some weeks now.
we are having the last one this Sunday
to me, its just a ticking the box exercise
but i must say that i have learnt one or two things
most things we talked about, i had heard before - thanks to the numerous family weeks, single and married programs, Sunday school, watching my parents and having a deaconess for a mother and a pastor for a father.
in my mind: experience is the best teacher. hearing all this and reading books can only show you what to expect and prepare your mind. it does not automatically mean that you will handle issues the best possible way when they come up.
i think BS takes it more serious than I sha - infact, he has read the whole manual and i am yet to read the first 20 pages.
another thing..
the wedding planning stress is beginning to get to me. I actually cried a few days ago!!! can u believe that. I keep thinking - will these people just let me be and lets get this wedding over with. For a while now, i have felt like I'm in the middle of my family, my husband's family and my new family (BS) and each party is tugging at me from different angles.
and another thing...
BS is coming tomorrow, I'm looking forward to having him here. we will be buying the rings, his suit, the grooms men's shirts and any other thing i remember...lol
speaking of which....i have not been able to find any peach shirts o! abi do guys not wear peach shirts again? any ideas????
yet another thing....
the mothers went to the market to buy our clothes (the ones BS and I will wear). i cant wait to see it now.
I have chosen to have the bridesmaids clothes done in Lagos, cos i just cant find any peach dresses in the right store, at the right price and to my taste. i hope the girls like it too. its costing each girl N13000 (they get a dress, a pair of shoes and accessories)
lastly....
we are rounding up on our wedding website and i must say that we built it ourselves. it feels good having total control on what we put on there and been able to go there and change stuff when we want. although there were a few technical hitches we had to overcome. but all is well that ends well.
oh- I'm looking for a job in Norway within the financial industry. i need all your prayers.
I hope to make the big move sooner rather than later to join BS there
xxx
we have been doing marriage counseling for some weeks now.
we are having the last one this Sunday
to me, its just a ticking the box exercise
but i must say that i have learnt one or two things
most things we talked about, i had heard before - thanks to the numerous family weeks, single and married programs, Sunday school, watching my parents and having a deaconess for a mother and a pastor for a father.
in my mind: experience is the best teacher. hearing all this and reading books can only show you what to expect and prepare your mind. it does not automatically mean that you will handle issues the best possible way when they come up.
i think BS takes it more serious than I sha - infact, he has read the whole manual and i am yet to read the first 20 pages.
another thing..
the wedding planning stress is beginning to get to me. I actually cried a few days ago!!! can u believe that. I keep thinking - will these people just let me be and lets get this wedding over with. For a while now, i have felt like I'm in the middle of my family, my husband's family and my new family (BS) and each party is tugging at me from different angles.
and another thing...
BS is coming tomorrow, I'm looking forward to having him here. we will be buying the rings, his suit, the grooms men's shirts and any other thing i remember...lol
speaking of which....i have not been able to find any peach shirts o! abi do guys not wear peach shirts again? any ideas????
yet another thing....
the mothers went to the market to buy our clothes (the ones BS and I will wear). i cant wait to see it now.
I have chosen to have the bridesmaids clothes done in Lagos, cos i just cant find any peach dresses in the right store, at the right price and to my taste. i hope the girls like it too. its costing each girl N13000 (they get a dress, a pair of shoes and accessories)
lastly....
we are rounding up on our wedding website and i must say that we built it ourselves. it feels good having total control on what we put on there and been able to go there and change stuff when we want. although there were a few technical hitches we had to overcome. but all is well that ends well.
oh- I'm looking for a job in Norway within the financial industry. i need all your prayers.
I hope to make the big move sooner rather than later to join BS there
xxx
Sunday, 2 August 2009
cool wedding rings
A lot of things have happened since i last blogged and i will try to write about 'most of them in the next few days.
Yes, I'm still getting married and plans are taking full swing...
we went ring shopping !!!
I think we must have browsed all the shops in the UK and now have come to the conclusion that Argos is the most cost effective place to buy them considering our budget. Surprisingly, i found that you could see one wedding band pattern in one store for up to five times the price that Argos sells it (exactly the same pattern and quality of material). i can't think of any other reason for the difference in price except for the price these shops place on their brands.
white gold or yellow gold? platinum or palladium??
I'm not yet decided but at the moment, I'll tilting towards white gold
9 ct(carat), 18ct or 24ct gold???
I'm currently tilting towards 9ct (English gold) at the moment because this is more common in the UK and there are more design options in this quality at Argos
I was thinking about picking a band for BS that looks something like what you see in the picture above, something a bit more fashionable and different from the conventional plain bands for men.
Then I was showing shortlisted options to one of my friends (some even more unconventional than the picture above) and she goes 'ha! people will still think he is not married o, if he is wearing this! and some girls will think he is joking even if he tells them'. I'm not usually swayed that easily when i make up my mind on things but it took me less than 5secs to change my mind on this one. lol
So i now prefer for him to have a wedding band that is easily identifiable as one and will leave no doubts in anybody's minds that he is no longer available.
engagement ring: big stones or small stones?
I think my preference changes by the day. but i kinda have a general idea at the back of my mind on what i want. I want something sparkly and 'posh looking'. very slim, with stones on the shoulder. I see a lot of stuff i like sha but have had to close my eyes to them all the time because they are above our budget. I must say that I sometimes feel the urge to ask BS to give me the budget money and then add more from my pocket so that i can have what i want but I suspect BS will not like this when he finds out.
other things:
I'm reading a book called 'Love and respect by Emerson Eggerichs'. Its a really good book and i will recommend it for intending couples and married couples who feel their relationship is getting stiff or couples who are having issues.
I also joined the mailing list for this website 'the generous wife'. I totally love it and i can't wait to start acting out some of the daily tips I get from them. They are so practical, easy to do and simple, yet strong enough to make a huge impact. They are written from a christian perspective and the idea is to help wives to be more generous to their husbands every single day rather than just when you are feeling loved up or only at the early stage of marriage.
I have posted tips from three days for you to see and decide whether to join or not (i totally recommend that you do sha. Many of then are even things that single people can do to/for their boyfriends)
July 22, 2009
Hmmm Nice
Say something nice about your husband's body when he's stepping out of the shower or changing his clothes. Let him know that you find him physically attractive.
My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. Song of Songs 5:10 NAS
Lori <><
July 21, 2009
Thanks, Hon
Be sure to be appreciative of things that your husband does for you. Bless him for his hard work, appreciate his gifts, and just generally be aware of and thankful for all the things that he does, large and small.
We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting somthing we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. Frederick Keonig
Be generous! Lori <><
July 20, 2009
Just Because
Call your husband just to say, "I love you."
Where there is great love, there are always miracles. Willa Cather
Be generous! Lori <><
July 19, 2009
Self Check
How is your spiritual walk? Do you spend enough time with God that you are happy with your relationship with Him? Are you growing in your understanding of the Word? Are the fruits of the Spirit showing up in your life? What do you need to further build your relationship with Him? What practical things can you do to make that happen more easily?
Our relationship with God is foundational to the rest of our lives. His working in our lives, makes or breaks the quality of our lives and our ability to love and serve others. I know we are all busy. Some of us work outside of the home. Some have little ones at your feet. We have responsibilities here, there and everywhere. May I encourage you to make your time with God of the highest importance? On a simple level, create a spot in the house where you can tuck yourself away with God and meet Him there often. On a more complex level, you may need to rethink the use of your time and hand off some responsibilities so that you have more time for God. Make the time for this very foundational need in your life. He is our source of strength, joy and love.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8a NKJV
Be generous! Lori <><
Sunday, 14 June 2009
For women and the men who love them...
I came across this piece and I think its an interesting read for everyone...enjoy!!
Before I begin or rather let you into what I have written, I must confess that I had completed this article months ago but was a bit apprehensive in publishing it. I didn’t want to come across as being judgmental and if after reading this you feel judged or put down as a woman, please excuse my unskilled delivery, for that is not my intent. And if you feel that I have crossed the line as man sharing these with you, do not hesitate to express your disdain for my impetus.
Having said that, I feel qualified to write this as a man because I stand as an unbiased observer and also one who has had the opportunity to take advantage of these mistakes. But I must confess, we as men have been @$$#*%*$ . Where we should have given, we took; where we should have loved, we lusted and where we should have preserved, we devoured. As a Man, I must call myself to higher standards. Before I touch you, I must respect you like my mother, protect you like my sister and look out for your best interest like my baby – after all, that’s what I call you when I want you! We’ve failed to realize that the significance of our masculinity does not lie in how many girls we can dis-virgin but rather the honor we can bestow upon one. We fail to understand that the purpose of our strength and dominance is to defend and protect not to attack and destroy.
But the first mistake was not yours. You were born into a world that didn’t even give you the chance - the chance to be who you really are without any pressure or expectation. From day one you were unconsciously groomed from childhood to be an acceptable accessory to a man’s life. You were constantly made conscious of a false milestone that suggested your value was based upon a man finding you worthy to be his, instead of being made aware of who you are by virtue of your own unique existence. Your worth as a woman was reduced to two things; being a wife and your ability to bear a child – and in some cultures, you had to bear the right type of child. And if per chance you failed in one of these areas, you were nobody, no one – you were nothing.
Unfortunately, along the way, you may have made some mistakes in trying to fulfill this false notion of who you are supposed to be. Bad relationship after bad relationship continually emphasized the lie that you were nothing without a man. Not only do you sit there as one with mental wounds from childhood, but also with hurts and wounds that are self inflicted as you sincerely tried to fulfill the so called destiny of the woman – being someone’s woman.
As I share this with you, I do not come as one who claims to understand your plight, but rather I stand as one who has heard you. From my mother to my aunts to my cousins and my friends, I have heard you and will continue to listen whenever you speak.
That being said, I do not believe we are responsible for the things that are done or said to us, but I do know that we are responsible for allowing those things continue in us. It’s in this light that I share with you the five common mistakes women make in relationships.
Your Personal Standards! Don't leave home without them!
By not setting your standard, you’ve just set the standard. The standards I speak of are not standards for the relationship; I speak of your personal standards irrespective of the relationship. What is your life’s moral compass? This could get a bit confusing, so let me explain. Often times, at a certain point in life, people turn to religion for some sort of moral guidance or law. It’s an acknowledgment of some sort that they have made numerous personal mistakes and are in probable search for a turn around. So you might have a young lady who’s been around the block and has now become a Christian, and professes that she will be celibate until she gets married thereby claiming this new belief to be her standard. This is a religious belief that she has now adopted and not a personal standard. Your personal standards are born and realized from within you and become your principles rather than a law. A principle is born out of understanding; an understanding of who you are and why you are here on this earth. If you are roaming the earth like a lost sheep in search of a man to give you relevance, you will always find yourself jumping from relationship to relationship with each one leaving you even more confused than you were in the beginning. But when you understand that you are not here by chance and your presence on this earth has significant relevance, the aura about you changes and the people and things you accept into your life will only be a reflection of your internal essence or your personal standard. A man can cause you to go against a belief because it was never yours in the first place, but he can never sway you away from your principle because you are one with your principle. A lady who lives from her principles takes personal responsibility for her own actions and responses. She takes charge and never leaves her fate to the opinions or actions of men. She doesn’t go on a date with every man that asks her out because she doesn’t need a man – she would want a man but she fully well understands that her worth is solely appraised on who she is and not who she’s with. She would not change her principle to have or keep a man. She’s doesn’t need to sleep with a man to have or keep him. She understands that whatever she can’t get by way of her principles will never be her own. That you are sleeping with a guy does not mean he’s yours. If you had to sleep with him to keep him, he was never yours in the first place. In the absence of your personal standards, you end up trying many things and many people, but you never experience the love that is already within you. Allow that love within to write your standards and begin to live from them. That love will never lead you astray, never ever!
Why are you making excuses for him…..again?
I have come to observe that ladies often see the man as the prize. So once it looks like they have him – especially if he appears to be a good one – they want to do everything in their power to keep him. I understand that, but I don’t accept that and neither should you. You are the Prize. We should fight over you and want to do things to get and keep you. We should want to make sure you are ok. A man who loves and respects a woman will never want her in doubt when it comes her knowing of his feelings towards her. When we are crazy about a woman, we are no longer the reserved and non emotional creatures you think we are. We become a mess - drooling internally when we think of you. We would never want you to feel you are on shaky ground concerning your status with us. We will publicly profess and show you to the whole world. We will put up a picture with you in it as the our profile pic, tag you in all photos you appear in and most importantly make sure that our status box shows that we are in a relationship with you. Yup, that’s what we do when we love you - we say it out LOUD! And when we are out and about with you, our professions are usually crystal clear: ‘Meet my girlfriend, Sandra’ or ‘Meet my fiance, Sandra.’ Not, ‘Meet Sandra’ who is Sandra??? When we love you, we want the world to know that we love you. But I get amazed when ladies see the writing on the wall and continually make excuses to justify a man’s blatant abuse towards them. What do I mean? Take for instance the introductions highlighted above; He introduces you as just ‘Sandra’: you know you don’t like it, but you make an excuse within yourself and say, ‘he’s a private kinda guy, he doesn’t like to publicly show stuff.’ Really? Ok, let me ask, “Are you enrolled in midnight gymnastics with him?” In other words has he bent your body in ways you didn’t think possible? Well, there is only one thing worse than a guy sleeping with a woman in secret; and that is, a woman allowing that to happen. Before you allow a man do to you privately what can affect you publicly, he must first of all acknowledge you publicly as the woman he respects and loves. If he can’t do that, you need to tell me why you are still sticking around. How can you allow a man to knock you up when you are just ‘Sandra’ to him? You know you deserve better, so stop the excuses. Instead of making excuses for him, take charge – not of him or the relationship, but of yourself. Never remain in an environment where your integrity is compromised. Remember, you are the prize and we should work hard to get and keep you. And after all our hard work, you still have a right to say NO.
Why are you looking for ‘something’ in a bag of ‘nothings?’
A few years ago, a friend who was engaged was getting ready for her wedding which was just a couple of months away at the time. She called me occasionally during the preparation process, but on this one phone call, things were pretty bad. She was mad, upset, disappointed and unhappy that she was marrying this guy. So I asked her why she was still going on with the wedding if she felt the marriage wouldn’t work out. She said to me that she did not want the last four years of her life spent with him to go to waste. Hmmm! When she said this, I looked at my phone because I couldn’t look at her (she was in a different city) and in that instant – if I had a private jet – I would have flown to her city to give her a knock on her head - not a hard one, just a gentle knock - to help tilt her brain back to the center of her skull, because obviously it seemed out of balance with what she had just said to me. Let’s think about this, You are willing to screw up the next 50 years of your life, create babies in a hostile environment with a man you despise thereby screwing up the next generation, raising kids that would need therapy for the rest of their lives based on the abuse they will experience in that home, all because you don’t want the last four years of your life - 1,2,3,4 - to mean nothing (I’m having a headache just rehashing the story). So you are trying to create a love marriage from a four year crappy relationship. Needless to say, this lady was a young beautiful 28yr old lawyer. With good life habits she could easily live another healthy 50 years (Have you seen Barbara Walters lately? She’s 80). And here you are, willing to mortgage a future on four years with this jerk? She was desperately trying to make something out of nothing. That you’ve been in a long term relationship does not mean you should continually stay in it. Unfortunately for some ladies, it takes a while to see the light and muster up courage to get out of a bad situation. But when you see the light; RUN, GO, your life deserves it. If you don’t make that change, you’ll never know what’s out there? And when I say out there, I don’t mean what’s out there in another relationship; I mean what’s out there in you that you are yet to discover. Some of you ladies are afraid – afraid that you might not be married by a certain time. You begin the calculations, ‘Ok, I’m 28 now, if I break this up, how long will it take to find another guy and get married? Oooh! It may take another 4 years and I’ll be 32. No! I can’t be single at 30.” You are killing yourself with this kind of dialogue. Like she later said to me, she always saw herself married by 29. Needless to say, she was divorced by 29. They got married alright, but their divorce was made final before a possible 1st wedding anniversary. Sometimes we allow fear to dictate what we should do. We will never get from fear what love has to give. Love is bold, confident and fearless. Why are you scared? Why are you letting fear keep you in a relationship that you know you don’t want? Why do you want to marry a guy who has already made you feel like trash? Why are you choosing to be with someone you are not crazy about? Ok, so you are more concerned about looking good and successful on the outside at the expense of how you truly feel on the inside. You are too special for that. Let people think what they think, you know what you know and that’s all that should matter. Sometimes, we don’t believe; we don’t believe in ourselves, so we settle and then try to make something out of nothing. You can’t change another human being, it’s impossible. You haven’t even changed some things about yourself; how then do you think it possible to change another?
You’ve gotta think before you have his baby!
Often times when I’m in conversation with one of my numerous lady friends, something always cracks me up. I know they been having sex for years in and out of relationships and that fact is not hidden between us. But on some occasions, when I ask them if they have been pregnant before, their voice takes on a new tone of ‘How dare you?’ And then there is a resounding NO, like, ‘how could I get pregnant?’ Wait a minute! Am I missing something here? If you are having sex – sexual intercourse, you are potentially making a baby. You are filing an application. As soon as he ejaculates into you, the application is submitted and the outcome of that process is no longer left to you or him but to the Department of Conception. And if they approve it, you become pregnant whether you want it or not. Sex is not just about the pleasure derived, neither is it an antidote for loneliness. Sex is Responsibility; meaning you will have to respond to the outcome of that sexual encounter and sometimes it could be a lifetime of responses especially when a child is conceived. And when that child is born, you will forever have a symbol representing your union with your ex. Once a child is conceived, there is no moving on from that relationship. It begins the strongest bond known between a man and a woman. That man holds a special place in your heart regardless of how you feel about him today. You may have an abortion in trying to cut any future ties to this man, but may I have you know that the power of conception outweighs the power of birth. For something to be born, it has to be conceived. We are all on this earth first because of conception then birth. Without conception they will be no birth but without birth there can be conception. A strong bond is created when you allow a man’s sperm to start life within you. It is a major privilege to give to someone and not everyone should have that kind of access to you. If a man is horny and wants to be relieved, tell him to use his hand. You are no object and certainly no substitute for a man’s hand. So if you don’t want to have his baby, don’t make his baby.
I know there’s Pressure, but why are you under it?
I have come to observe that whether she’s 21 or 29, she always feels she’s running out of time. One thing you must understand is that pressure is not real. You are real and when you give attention to or come under the dominance of something that is impotent, you give it potency – you give it power. That is why this thing we call ‘pressure’ has the effect it has. You give it the effect. You are the effect. Sometimes we are driven by those voices of ignorance that may have come from people we love, so we try hard to get into a relationship and make it work. “Oh! This one has to work cos I’m almost 30.” Screw him and screw 30. You are more valuable to yourself and to the world than the timeline of your eggs or your age. Your world will not come to an end if you are not married by 30; in fact, it may just be beginning!
A few years ago, a lady friend of mine, who was 21 at the time called me up to talk about her ‘man' troubles. During our conversation, I observed that she had always been in a sexual relationship since she was 15. She confessed to me that she didn’t want to be alone; actually she didn’t know how to be alone. You see, you do yourself a huge injustice when you spend your formative years interrupted. Sex interrupts. It stops your creative and intellectual development and gives strength to your emotional cravings which should still be asleep. Your formative years are years you spend forming your person and your identity in readiness for your service to the world. Unfortunately, ladies give that time and space to some guy – a guy who may not even be in your life past your 30th birthday.
Have we as men failed you? Oh yes we have! As fathers some of us weren’t present in your young life. As uncles, instead of being fond of you, we fondled you. As friends we were more focused on the benefits instead of the sacrifice. We used you when we should have added value. We took advantage instead giving the advantage. We failed you quite all right, but you don’t have to do to yourself what we did to you – You don’t have to fail yourself. You can’t afford to fail yourself. You are the door to humanity. Life has to go through you to enter this earth. Even God needed a woman to come back into the world.
There’s no need to dumb yourself down or compromise your true integrity. We need the true you. We can’t exist without you and we will adjust to whatever standard you set for us – so why not make it high, why not make it YOU?
I can so identify with a woman's worth being associated with being a successful wife and mother because I have heard that said to me for many many years.
... but I must say in the context of marital life, I believe that a woman will feel better fulfilled if she can pull being a good wife and mother, while still holding her own in her chosen career. I believe this can only be achieved with the support of her husband on the home front or else she will break down; particularly if the couple are living outside Nigeria where it costs a fortune to outsource your domestic chores and child care.
I really commend married women who live outside Nigeria and manage to wake up early to make breakfast for the kids and hubby, do the school run, manage a career, write professional exams, cook, clean, take care of kids and are ever ready to have sex when it is called for.
Before I begin or rather let you into what I have written, I must confess that I had completed this article months ago but was a bit apprehensive in publishing it. I didn’t want to come across as being judgmental and if after reading this you feel judged or put down as a woman, please excuse my unskilled delivery, for that is not my intent. And if you feel that I have crossed the line as man sharing these with you, do not hesitate to express your disdain for my impetus.
Having said that, I feel qualified to write this as a man because I stand as an unbiased observer and also one who has had the opportunity to take advantage of these mistakes. But I must confess, we as men have been @$$#*%*$ . Where we should have given, we took; where we should have loved, we lusted and where we should have preserved, we devoured. As a Man, I must call myself to higher standards. Before I touch you, I must respect you like my mother, protect you like my sister and look out for your best interest like my baby – after all, that’s what I call you when I want you! We’ve failed to realize that the significance of our masculinity does not lie in how many girls we can dis-virgin but rather the honor we can bestow upon one. We fail to understand that the purpose of our strength and dominance is to defend and protect not to attack and destroy.
But the first mistake was not yours. You were born into a world that didn’t even give you the chance - the chance to be who you really are without any pressure or expectation. From day one you were unconsciously groomed from childhood to be an acceptable accessory to a man’s life. You were constantly made conscious of a false milestone that suggested your value was based upon a man finding you worthy to be his, instead of being made aware of who you are by virtue of your own unique existence. Your worth as a woman was reduced to two things; being a wife and your ability to bear a child – and in some cultures, you had to bear the right type of child. And if per chance you failed in one of these areas, you were nobody, no one – you were nothing.
Unfortunately, along the way, you may have made some mistakes in trying to fulfill this false notion of who you are supposed to be. Bad relationship after bad relationship continually emphasized the lie that you were nothing without a man. Not only do you sit there as one with mental wounds from childhood, but also with hurts and wounds that are self inflicted as you sincerely tried to fulfill the so called destiny of the woman – being someone’s woman.
As I share this with you, I do not come as one who claims to understand your plight, but rather I stand as one who has heard you. From my mother to my aunts to my cousins and my friends, I have heard you and will continue to listen whenever you speak.
That being said, I do not believe we are responsible for the things that are done or said to us, but I do know that we are responsible for allowing those things continue in us. It’s in this light that I share with you the five common mistakes women make in relationships.
Your Personal Standards! Don't leave home without them!
By not setting your standard, you’ve just set the standard. The standards I speak of are not standards for the relationship; I speak of your personal standards irrespective of the relationship. What is your life’s moral compass? This could get a bit confusing, so let me explain. Often times, at a certain point in life, people turn to religion for some sort of moral guidance or law. It’s an acknowledgment of some sort that they have made numerous personal mistakes and are in probable search for a turn around. So you might have a young lady who’s been around the block and has now become a Christian, and professes that she will be celibate until she gets married thereby claiming this new belief to be her standard. This is a religious belief that she has now adopted and not a personal standard. Your personal standards are born and realized from within you and become your principles rather than a law. A principle is born out of understanding; an understanding of who you are and why you are here on this earth. If you are roaming the earth like a lost sheep in search of a man to give you relevance, you will always find yourself jumping from relationship to relationship with each one leaving you even more confused than you were in the beginning. But when you understand that you are not here by chance and your presence on this earth has significant relevance, the aura about you changes and the people and things you accept into your life will only be a reflection of your internal essence or your personal standard. A man can cause you to go against a belief because it was never yours in the first place, but he can never sway you away from your principle because you are one with your principle. A lady who lives from her principles takes personal responsibility for her own actions and responses. She takes charge and never leaves her fate to the opinions or actions of men. She doesn’t go on a date with every man that asks her out because she doesn’t need a man – she would want a man but she fully well understands that her worth is solely appraised on who she is and not who she’s with. She would not change her principle to have or keep a man. She’s doesn’t need to sleep with a man to have or keep him. She understands that whatever she can’t get by way of her principles will never be her own. That you are sleeping with a guy does not mean he’s yours. If you had to sleep with him to keep him, he was never yours in the first place. In the absence of your personal standards, you end up trying many things and many people, but you never experience the love that is already within you. Allow that love within to write your standards and begin to live from them. That love will never lead you astray, never ever!
Why are you making excuses for him…..again?
I have come to observe that ladies often see the man as the prize. So once it looks like they have him – especially if he appears to be a good one – they want to do everything in their power to keep him. I understand that, but I don’t accept that and neither should you. You are the Prize. We should fight over you and want to do things to get and keep you. We should want to make sure you are ok. A man who loves and respects a woman will never want her in doubt when it comes her knowing of his feelings towards her. When we are crazy about a woman, we are no longer the reserved and non emotional creatures you think we are. We become a mess - drooling internally when we think of you. We would never want you to feel you are on shaky ground concerning your status with us. We will publicly profess and show you to the whole world. We will put up a picture with you in it as the our profile pic, tag you in all photos you appear in and most importantly make sure that our status box shows that we are in a relationship with you. Yup, that’s what we do when we love you - we say it out LOUD! And when we are out and about with you, our professions are usually crystal clear: ‘Meet my girlfriend, Sandra’ or ‘Meet my fiance, Sandra.’ Not, ‘Meet Sandra’ who is Sandra??? When we love you, we want the world to know that we love you. But I get amazed when ladies see the writing on the wall and continually make excuses to justify a man’s blatant abuse towards them. What do I mean? Take for instance the introductions highlighted above; He introduces you as just ‘Sandra’: you know you don’t like it, but you make an excuse within yourself and say, ‘he’s a private kinda guy, he doesn’t like to publicly show stuff.’ Really? Ok, let me ask, “Are you enrolled in midnight gymnastics with him?” In other words has he bent your body in ways you didn’t think possible? Well, there is only one thing worse than a guy sleeping with a woman in secret; and that is, a woman allowing that to happen. Before you allow a man do to you privately what can affect you publicly, he must first of all acknowledge you publicly as the woman he respects and loves. If he can’t do that, you need to tell me why you are still sticking around. How can you allow a man to knock you up when you are just ‘Sandra’ to him? You know you deserve better, so stop the excuses. Instead of making excuses for him, take charge – not of him or the relationship, but of yourself. Never remain in an environment where your integrity is compromised. Remember, you are the prize and we should work hard to get and keep you. And after all our hard work, you still have a right to say NO.
Why are you looking for ‘something’ in a bag of ‘nothings?’
A few years ago, a friend who was engaged was getting ready for her wedding which was just a couple of months away at the time. She called me occasionally during the preparation process, but on this one phone call, things were pretty bad. She was mad, upset, disappointed and unhappy that she was marrying this guy. So I asked her why she was still going on with the wedding if she felt the marriage wouldn’t work out. She said to me that she did not want the last four years of her life spent with him to go to waste. Hmmm! When she said this, I looked at my phone because I couldn’t look at her (she was in a different city) and in that instant – if I had a private jet – I would have flown to her city to give her a knock on her head - not a hard one, just a gentle knock - to help tilt her brain back to the center of her skull, because obviously it seemed out of balance with what she had just said to me. Let’s think about this, You are willing to screw up the next 50 years of your life, create babies in a hostile environment with a man you despise thereby screwing up the next generation, raising kids that would need therapy for the rest of their lives based on the abuse they will experience in that home, all because you don’t want the last four years of your life - 1,2,3,4 - to mean nothing (I’m having a headache just rehashing the story). So you are trying to create a love marriage from a four year crappy relationship. Needless to say, this lady was a young beautiful 28yr old lawyer. With good life habits she could easily live another healthy 50 years (Have you seen Barbara Walters lately? She’s 80). And here you are, willing to mortgage a future on four years with this jerk? She was desperately trying to make something out of nothing. That you’ve been in a long term relationship does not mean you should continually stay in it. Unfortunately for some ladies, it takes a while to see the light and muster up courage to get out of a bad situation. But when you see the light; RUN, GO, your life deserves it. If you don’t make that change, you’ll never know what’s out there? And when I say out there, I don’t mean what’s out there in another relationship; I mean what’s out there in you that you are yet to discover. Some of you ladies are afraid – afraid that you might not be married by a certain time. You begin the calculations, ‘Ok, I’m 28 now, if I break this up, how long will it take to find another guy and get married? Oooh! It may take another 4 years and I’ll be 32. No! I can’t be single at 30.” You are killing yourself with this kind of dialogue. Like she later said to me, she always saw herself married by 29. Needless to say, she was divorced by 29. They got married alright, but their divorce was made final before a possible 1st wedding anniversary. Sometimes we allow fear to dictate what we should do. We will never get from fear what love has to give. Love is bold, confident and fearless. Why are you scared? Why are you letting fear keep you in a relationship that you know you don’t want? Why do you want to marry a guy who has already made you feel like trash? Why are you choosing to be with someone you are not crazy about? Ok, so you are more concerned about looking good and successful on the outside at the expense of how you truly feel on the inside. You are too special for that. Let people think what they think, you know what you know and that’s all that should matter. Sometimes, we don’t believe; we don’t believe in ourselves, so we settle and then try to make something out of nothing. You can’t change another human being, it’s impossible. You haven’t even changed some things about yourself; how then do you think it possible to change another?
You’ve gotta think before you have his baby!
Often times when I’m in conversation with one of my numerous lady friends, something always cracks me up. I know they been having sex for years in and out of relationships and that fact is not hidden between us. But on some occasions, when I ask them if they have been pregnant before, their voice takes on a new tone of ‘How dare you?’ And then there is a resounding NO, like, ‘how could I get pregnant?’ Wait a minute! Am I missing something here? If you are having sex – sexual intercourse, you are potentially making a baby. You are filing an application. As soon as he ejaculates into you, the application is submitted and the outcome of that process is no longer left to you or him but to the Department of Conception. And if they approve it, you become pregnant whether you want it or not. Sex is not just about the pleasure derived, neither is it an antidote for loneliness. Sex is Responsibility; meaning you will have to respond to the outcome of that sexual encounter and sometimes it could be a lifetime of responses especially when a child is conceived. And when that child is born, you will forever have a symbol representing your union with your ex. Once a child is conceived, there is no moving on from that relationship. It begins the strongest bond known between a man and a woman. That man holds a special place in your heart regardless of how you feel about him today. You may have an abortion in trying to cut any future ties to this man, but may I have you know that the power of conception outweighs the power of birth. For something to be born, it has to be conceived. We are all on this earth first because of conception then birth. Without conception they will be no birth but without birth there can be conception. A strong bond is created when you allow a man’s sperm to start life within you. It is a major privilege to give to someone and not everyone should have that kind of access to you. If a man is horny and wants to be relieved, tell him to use his hand. You are no object and certainly no substitute for a man’s hand. So if you don’t want to have his baby, don’t make his baby.
I know there’s Pressure, but why are you under it?
I have come to observe that whether she’s 21 or 29, she always feels she’s running out of time. One thing you must understand is that pressure is not real. You are real and when you give attention to or come under the dominance of something that is impotent, you give it potency – you give it power. That is why this thing we call ‘pressure’ has the effect it has. You give it the effect. You are the effect. Sometimes we are driven by those voices of ignorance that may have come from people we love, so we try hard to get into a relationship and make it work. “Oh! This one has to work cos I’m almost 30.” Screw him and screw 30. You are more valuable to yourself and to the world than the timeline of your eggs or your age. Your world will not come to an end if you are not married by 30; in fact, it may just be beginning!
A few years ago, a lady friend of mine, who was 21 at the time called me up to talk about her ‘man' troubles. During our conversation, I observed that she had always been in a sexual relationship since she was 15. She confessed to me that she didn’t want to be alone; actually she didn’t know how to be alone. You see, you do yourself a huge injustice when you spend your formative years interrupted. Sex interrupts. It stops your creative and intellectual development and gives strength to your emotional cravings which should still be asleep. Your formative years are years you spend forming your person and your identity in readiness for your service to the world. Unfortunately, ladies give that time and space to some guy – a guy who may not even be in your life past your 30th birthday.
Have we as men failed you? Oh yes we have! As fathers some of us weren’t present in your young life. As uncles, instead of being fond of you, we fondled you. As friends we were more focused on the benefits instead of the sacrifice. We used you when we should have added value. We took advantage instead giving the advantage. We failed you quite all right, but you don’t have to do to yourself what we did to you – You don’t have to fail yourself. You can’t afford to fail yourself. You are the door to humanity. Life has to go through you to enter this earth. Even God needed a woman to come back into the world.
There’s no need to dumb yourself down or compromise your true integrity. We need the true you. We can’t exist without you and we will adjust to whatever standard you set for us – so why not make it high, why not make it YOU?
I can so identify with a woman's worth being associated with being a successful wife and mother because I have heard that said to me for many many years.
... but I must say in the context of marital life, I believe that a woman will feel better fulfilled if she can pull being a good wife and mother, while still holding her own in her chosen career. I believe this can only be achieved with the support of her husband on the home front or else she will break down; particularly if the couple are living outside Nigeria where it costs a fortune to outsource your domestic chores and child care.
I really commend married women who live outside Nigeria and manage to wake up early to make breakfast for the kids and hubby, do the school run, manage a career, write professional exams, cook, clean, take care of kids and are ever ready to have sex when it is called for.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
The ultimate dress
I walked into the shop on Saturday determined not to come out without picking a dress for myself.
I went alone and I think this is why I was able to pick a dress in 20 minutes.
Anyway, there are a few things I wanted my dress to have:
1. Lace up back (so I don’t have to adjust it with a tailor)
2. Detailed designs on the skirt
3. Figure flattering
4. Boobs ‘unrevealing’
5. Short train or no train
6. Any colour
7. Pocket friendly (max budget of £500 for dress and veil)
8. Absolutely NO NO to any dress that has a ‘pick-up’ skirt (I don’t have the height to carry such drama gracefully.)
On my dress shopping trips, I realised that many of the British gowns were not laced up at the back. This made me think seriously about buying my dress online from the US.
I compromised on this and picked a dress with a zipper at the back. (Have I mentioned the dress is stunning? Lol)
The dress is absolutely beautiful. It’s an A line boob tube dress. I intend to put some cap sleeves on because I have no intentions of wearing a jacket. Luckily my mum can sew! The neckline is straight (not sweetheart) so I’m sure I will have my delicates well concealed no matter how hard I dance and bend over.
The tail is slightly longer than I wanted but I can make do with that.
It’s champagne in colour which means I will need gold accessories.
It has a pale plum coloured sash around the waist which gives it a 50’s look. (This gave me an idea for my bridesmaid’s dresses)
I have been thinking of wearing gold sandals because I don’t see why I should buy a white pair of shoes I will probably never wear again. I know this is unconventional but who cares!
PS: I must say that I am overwhelmed by the number of comments on my previous posts. Thanks for all the advice on dentals en al....
As an update: it feels absolutely normal now and I even forget I have had it done.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
dental work
I had my tooth filled just because the dentist recommended that I did it now so I don't have severe tooth aches later on. Since I have a very low threshold for pain, I gave in to her advice and had two of my teeth filled.
two weeks later:
I can now feel hot or cold drinks inside my teeth (new development) and can not help wondering if i created a problem for my self that was non existent before now, and even paid for that problem to be created sef.
I have read several things on the internet and hope that this is normal but I'll have to wait and see.....
I was also told I have a slight gum infection which needs to be treated or else i run the risk of having my teeth fall out one after the other. The question i keep asking myself now is 'should i ignore this?' After all, my parents and grandparents never saw dentists and they managed to keep all their teeth till VERY late in life, in fact my parents still have all theirs complete and i don't remember them brushing their teeth more than once a day.
so is living in 'obodo oyinbo' making my teeth more prone to falling out???
two weeks later:
I can now feel hot or cold drinks inside my teeth (new development) and can not help wondering if i created a problem for my self that was non existent before now, and even paid for that problem to be created sef.
I have read several things on the internet and hope that this is normal but I'll have to wait and see.....
I was also told I have a slight gum infection which needs to be treated or else i run the risk of having my teeth fall out one after the other. The question i keep asking myself now is 'should i ignore this?' After all, my parents and grandparents never saw dentists and they managed to keep all their teeth till VERY late in life, in fact my parents still have all theirs complete and i don't remember them brushing their teeth more than once a day.
so is living in 'obodo oyinbo' making my teeth more prone to falling out???
Saturday, 9 May 2009
becoming an active blogger
I decided today to become an active blogger for a number of reasons:
..I want to share my tots without being judged
...I want to document how I feel and how my feelings are evolving over time
....I want to come back here a few months down the line and laugh at some of the things I write
I have been a silent member at blogville.....reading many blogs and following quite a number too. I must say that some have been encouraging, inspiring, entertaining and educative.
Anyway...let me give a quick update since I last blogged....
About two years ago, I did not believe in Love and blogged about this. Then I found love a few months down and loved love . lol
I am happy to say that I am now engaged to be married to love (story for another day). Yes. I'm walking down the aisle five months from now and I can't wait to be married to the best man ever. I can't wait for the days when we will wake up together and fall asleep together, eat together, laugh together, and do everything together.
With respect to preparations, all we have done is book a hall and book the musicians. I haven't even bought a dress yet.
I must say that I was inspired to blog about my experiences by 'Studio 5i' and 'down the aisle', journey down the aisle, and a few others, too many to mention.
Now I’m looking forward to sharing my experiences with you and take you along on my journey to becoming the Mrs.
xx
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